Friday, September 19, 2008

Monday, September 8, 2008

destroyer

ive been thinking a lot about destruction...

kali

the destroyer

i want to begin by saying that kali has a bad name...
all things must be destroyed and contain destruction in their cycle
but there is something you know that is in me a prevelent part that has emerged that is destruction... destruction of myself... as though i think i can take on the ills of those around me... deny myself things the i am... for the benefit of those around me... or of someone... and somehow i think this is okay...

its an addiction

self destruction is an addiction

but i do feel paralyzed... a paralysis against it... i can't stop

i am not looking to e loved... i am not looking to be like some one...
i just dont understand ... i guess i dont feel like there is much reason or purpose to me without certain things... what is the point of the rest... maybe...

i dont feel sad really... i dont feel much... i am just looking... at a destroyer... a destructive force and asking why...

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

interesting... what do you think?

So... interesting thing... my last post is not here!!

oh well...

so today I looked at my chinese horoscope again... how depressing...

well it seems that my best years are behind me... if i am to have any relationship, it is over... and for the next 7 years, I will be within the worst years of my life...

what do you think?

as i am not so sure that it is so off, i am a little depressed...

heeheehee



last night i had an interesting dream... a card arrived... filled with little notes and adoration... she sent a lot of gooey love stuff... an anniversary... weird

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

the little love

i cant seem to sleep... my thoughts
turning to the little love...

i see the little love
in many different scenes

i see the little love
wrapped up in a lovers
embrace

remember that night outside of town
when he wished he was
with the little love
she might be lonely?

i do
i remember

the little love

Friday, August 22, 2008

the land of enchantment

so i am roughly 6ish weeks from moving 1059 miles... in a way many aspects of my life are resolving themselves... and in a way others are just as complicated... today i woke up and resolved myself to concentrating on the building and working here today... but i guess i feel a little done with working and i just want to travel... or make my jewelry or sew some stuff...

i do think it is funny to see the things i feel like doing and looking honestly at what i would like my life to look like.

i do think this move is a step in that direction... in the direction of motion... in the direction of a good future...

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

sobriety

today is a dream day...

different from other dreams...

today is a sober dream...

a dreamy person am I ...

but they are not ususally so sober...

interesting element...

that is sobriety... in dreams


i wonder these days between real and

make-believe... knowing the elements of reality fall into

those made up scenarios

but that they are in fact

products of my insecurities

products of my mind

and now

sober


interesting these nuances

effect the dreams, not

not in the slighest

or perhaps they do

but there is no sadness

no

only love

a rich love

an infinite love

no need for understanding

acceptance

love

no fear

or fakery

Monday, July 28, 2008

today

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
12

Making love work isn't always easy, yet the results can be very convincing when it all comes together. When problems surface, pushing for what you want isn't necessarily your best option. Now, more than ever, you must recognize that there are many types of love. Letting go of your individual needs can open your heart to a more spiritual kind of relationship that can be quite fulfilling for you at this time.

July 28, 2008

tarot.com

Saturday, July 19, 2008

peace


Where you find love.... there is freedom...

love is not outside the self...

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

sri sri

Q:Is there no God?

Sri Sri: Now tell me what is the definition for God. Then I'll tell you if there is God or not, if I can tell you. Is God a person who created the universe and went into hiding because He made lot of mistakes, so that nobody catches Him? Up in the heaven trying to give you one little finger and dangling carrots in front of you or punish you when you do things or get angry at you all the time. Is He a person? What is God? Has anybody seen? Is God a person? Big confusion in the world. GOD (Generator, Operator, Destroyer). If GOD is love and love is all that is, He is everywhere. Lets looks at the qualifications of God, God is omnipresent, every where in every atom. No place where God is not. He is omnipotent, omniscient. Consciousness has this quality. In Upanishads there is a story. A boy asks his father tell me, How is God like, Father tells him, God is like the sky, space, everything exists in space, everything dissolves in space and everything is created in space. But space is dead, GOD is alive. Another example like fish in the water. Where is the life of the fish in the body or in the water? If life is in the body, if you take it out then also there should be life. There is life only as long as there is water in the fish. But where is the life? Like that where are we, we are in the space in the air. Where is the life, in the air. In the same way the space which is the basis of all existence is what God is. So God has no escape. If He is not in one place, He loses his qualification of being a God. God is that energy, that substratum of the universe in which everything is born, exists and dissolves, and that is what we all are. If love is God certainly that is what you are and I'm God. The Sufi saint said 'An al haq'. The Vendantin said 'Aham Brahmasmi'. We are made up of Love, that Divinity. When do we don't realize it, when we are veiled by stress, ignorance, small
mindedness. When the lake is disturbed you can't see the reflection.The disturbance on the lake is the mind.In the Bible also it is
said 'Be still and know I'm God' so being that stillness then you know hat I'm God. So if God is love, I'm definitely love, so are you. Don't
excommunicate from your category. That is what the world does and then starts suffering. A saint in India Kabir said "what a stupid thing man is doing, it's like the musk deer, has musk in itself but searches for it all over the forest. Just bend yourself down, meditate, be still and that is where God is.

Q: How does one explain the role of Divine in evolution of species?

Sri Sri: What do you call Divine? All that is harmonious you call Divine. All that is natural you call Divine. That which is not natural like
stress, tension, negative emotions are not Divine. Isn't that so? Reverence is the nature of evolved consciousness. The more happier you
are, the more reverence you have for everything. More grateful you are more reverence you have to everyone. When you recognize everything is God, the more reverence you have for everything. You know what sacredness does to you? Suppose you consider, that this is just a cake, you just eat it, throw it. But if it is sacred you take it in both hands. 100% attention is there. Your consciousness (sleeping consciousness) is woken up. With sacredness, 100% attention you receive it, your heart is there, mind is there. In India, children are told, mother is Divine, father is Divine. Because child cant see Divine in space. so "Matru Devo Bhava" (mother is all love), 2nd expression of Divinity see father, 3rd is teacher, all that he wants is for you to blossom, be strong and successful and happy in love,
4th place is Guest, Guest is God, Guest comes honor them. And honor everything in the world, honor the trees, honor the river, mountains, animals. A sense of honoring elevates you.When something belongs to someone you treat it with care. When you know
planet belongs to God, you treat it with care. Otherwise we destroy the planet. We exploit the planet. Isn't it. Vanashree, wealth of forest
has to be honored as gift to humanity. We have been asked to take care of it, our world. Our whole life is a wealth. So a sense of honoring is attached so that you feel a sense of responsibility to the society, planet. Hmmm.....

copied from: http://gurujiskripa.blogspot.com/2008/07/amazing-q-as-session-with-guruji.html


visit
art of living.org

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

me...

THIS IS IT!

I am thinking that today is the final day of sitting all day on the day bed.

I am addicted to a computer game now...

the foot is healing and i am ready to walk about the apartment and continue my little projects. I am ready to go to work. I am ready just to know that I can do whatever I want to do...

Saturday, July 5, 2008

my foot!

IMPACT

this surge of fire and shock raced up by body.

suddenly, i was so hot... but all of my faculties were still with me. i moved the heavy piece from my foot and hobbled backward...

sweating... my eyes cannot see clearly... my eyes cannot stay open...

i lower myself to the floor

i am panting... so hot... can't see... sweating

my sister is here... she is trying to help

i dictate to her what to do

ice

aloe

i need to get off of the floor

cool towels

i settle down

we eat...

i had invited my mom over and planned to make a gingerbread pancake brunch... i didnt have a table for us to sit... so i decided to bring a really heavy one up from the basement...

i did

and i put it together. i asked my sister to help me turn it over... and then as we did, the leg set on my side fell onto my foot... so, now i am bed ridden...

ice

epsom

ice

ice

ice

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

.........................................

a dream... city

there is an imaginary city like a cross between chicago and new york and there is a family two parents and two children the mom is relatively absent because her work takes her from the house frequently the dad is the stay at home
the daughter is about 5th grade the son is about 10 and he is the son of the dad's sister and this family adopted them they go through their stuff
the daughter feels forgotten by her mom and one night seaks out to meet a boy and that goes very wrong... welcome to the real world...
and at some point they are in a church catholic and the son is on a lower level and he celebrates the mass more like a baptist and waves up to the dad...
btw
the camera is a character ... it doesnt have any of that irritating camera movement but it would go in for some conspiratorial shots and the dad explains that the son celebrates differently and that is okay i guess the son seems the happiest and then a... two more things when the mom gets home from work or a business trip, the daughter finds relief in her being there and another thing is that at some point, there is a lot of graffiti on a wall and the son decides that he is going to paint over it and does so with a really bright color... eventually the neighborhood has been repainted with bright and muted colors... like whole sides of buildings... not like rainbows then at the end the son is running with his roller down the street
and he is calling out a sonnet that is memorized and the sonnet is probably made up and is about colors and what they are as he runs he is painting leaving a trail of color from the roller on buildings and the street and he passes an area where there are two people sitting on a bench... he turns the corner and sees a fountain that is frozen and runs toward it the women on the bench knows the sonnet and begins to call it out with him he gets to the fountain which is dripping a little and is crying and saying the sonnet the paint roller keeps going on its own... like a broom in fantasia
and the woman is holding the boy

"where did you learn that where did you learn that?"
she says
and he tells her its from his mother

the color and style look like a julie taymore production
and that was the dream or most of it

Monday, June 30, 2008

june 30

today tonight it is late you see

today i spent sitting in a cafe knitting... i think its a blanket...

once i received the call... i went to care for claire... my neice while all of the expectant grandparents raced to the hospital for the birth of what is now know as her sister, carmen maria. shortly after feeding young claire, and cleaning her... she and i climbed into the vehicle and off we were to meet her sister...

she was wonderful and talkative... i am sure that she really had no idea of what was really happening... but i do think she understands now... and is quite happy...

i got us lost in the hospital... of course i went into the wrong doors to begin with and so i was unable to find my way back... claire couldnt really remember and my dad, who was with us, was not there the first time.... so there we are... i found a doctor and he led the three of us out. claire talked about wanting apples the entire way out...

and then she pointed to sky and counted the stars... and it was beautiful

i read to her and put her to sleep and now i write... and soon i'll sleep

so today many things really did occur... too many things to relay... but the thing i will remember is a little girl noticing the stars... amidst all of the excitement... taking notice.

and now i think of a little strip of paper my gma wrote on... "and sometimes i dream"